I went out with my first boyfriend because he told me he loved me. My second made me feel desirable, no matter what. I went out with my third because I thought he was the most mysterious and beautiful creature I’d ever seen. Each fulfilled a need for me – psychological, physical, emotional – something. But none of these relationships lasted; while I’m still friends with my exes, when push came to shove, something broke – and these were boyfriends, serious interests. We tried. Frankly, even if I’d had my mind on the long term when we began, I might still have gone out with these guys – and we would all still be on separate paths today.
Many companies – and many countries – choose their relationships the same way. They’re thinking about what the partner can do for them today, what revenue can be brought in, whether or not these desert fighters can keep the rebels down… They’re not thinking about the long term – and even if they are, long-term predictions fail more often than they succeed. Prediction isn’t good enough, and current needs always change.
So if we can’t think about now, and we can’t bet on the future,
how do we choose and cultivate good relationships – at any level?
There’s the positive advice:
“Only go out with people you’re attracted to”
“If he treats his mother well, he’ll treat you even better”
“If he can dance, he’ll be better in bed…”
And the negative advice:
“Never be friends with someone you can’t respect.”
“Never go out with someone you aren’t friends with first”
“Don’t get serious with someone who falls in love too fast”
“Never get involved in a land war in Asia”
… and most important, “Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!!!!” …
… But seriously, forks … these are all just soundbytes – you can’t base any relationship on fortune-cookie advice. Here’s my current take on relationships:
For a good relationship with staying power, look for someone who pushes you to become the person (or organization) you want to be – someone with a complementary personality (culture), and someone with complementary goals.
It’s easy to pick a partner based on the moment, or based on what you think you can do for them, or what they can do for you. However, in the long term,
you have to look out for #1.
You have to look for someone who pushes you to work harder, to have more fun, to think more deeply, to make more sales, to produce more revenue, to further peace and prosperity and equality and free trade – because the better you are, the better you’ll help them to be. Because, in looking out for yourself, you’re looking out for everyone else, too. Because in the end, the only thing you can really count on is the personality – or the culture, if you will – of the other.
So how do you look for a partner who’ll help you be more who that you want to be?
- Know yourself -
if you don’t know who you are, now, in the short term, you don’t have a solid base for long-term growth. Know your basic principles. Know your boundaries. Know the lines you won’t cross – no matter what happens. Introspect. Think. Define yourself.
- Pick a direction -
Goals change over time, of course – but if you have a good idea what you want to do, you’re halfway there already – and you’ll be creating targeted relationships with people and organizations that (hopefully) won’t interfere with, or disapprove of, your actions in pursuit of that goal.
- Know the territory, know the personality/culture of those you interact with -
Whether you’re looking for a trading partner or a serious relationship, get more information. Put your friends in different contexts, to see how they react to new things. Gather information on your trading partners’ interior affairs. Find out how your business partners treat the people who work in their factories. Know the system, and how you can use it to further your own interests.
Information is your friend.
- Know what you’re looking for. Be realistic. Keep your standards high -
We can’t all date supermodels, sometimes there is no good negotiations partner, and sometimes the only thing to do is to sell your company to Microsoft while the timing is right. Things aren’t always perfect, but if we keep our standards high, it’s hard to go completely wrong.
- Be Decisive. Be patient. Don’t be afraid to say no -
Good isn’t better isn’t best. It’s fanatically difficult to pass up a good sale, or a good date, or a good trading partner, in search of the best one – but if we’re decisive about discarding what we don’t need, we’ll have more time and energy left for the things – and people – we do.
- Be flexible. Take risks.
For success, we must act. Just keep moving.
